let's pacellebrate!

the darkest things

Thu, 09 May 2013 11:01:24 -0400

When I was 21 or so. Yes, definitely 21, because I was still in college and already old enough to drink. Anyway, I was almost abducted on my way to a college class. I mean, I think that’s what happened. I don’t really know what they were going to do with me.

I was on a back street, late for Bible class, and two men in a nice car asked me for directions to I-440 in Spanish. While I tried to give them directions, one of them jumped out fully exposed, and tried to put me in the backseat of their car.

That was an unlucky day, and a lucky day, because a guy who lived down the street forgot something that morning and came home to get it. So, they dropped me and fled when he saw me.

I answered some questions for police, but ended up not going in for repeated questioning because I was young and scared.

Anyway, it happened. And I don’t ever talk about it. But sometimes, when girls are kidnapped, I wonder if that could have been me. And then I do something that does not compute, like spend $10 on a weekday breakfast, or stay up late with my husband, or plan a trip. After all, I’m out here in the sunshine. And not dead. And I kind of think they either would have either held me hostage for years or killed me. Or both.

"I'm so bored with this dynamic."

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 11:10:45 -0400

I have said that sentence, like, a dozen times in the last two months. It didn’t occur to me that I’ve said it so often until Saturday night. But anyway.

I just want me to be me, and you to be you, and vegans to be vegans, and Christians to be Christians, and Muslims to be Muslims and so on and so forth. I am so exhausted from hearing so many opinions of so many people who are so offended. My decision to eat meat doesn’t affect your decision to abstain from cheese. Your decision to go to breakfast on Sunday morning does not affect my decision to go to church. Why do we feel so threatened by other people’s decisions? Can we all just agree that people mean well and apply their own experiences and mindset to every situation, and they are doing their best?

Following the lead of some other friends, I deleted the Facebook app from my phone and stopped logging in every day. The same goes for Twitter. And even though social media doesn’t make a lot of noise, everything feels a lot quieter in my mind without it.

But I am still so bored with conversations about how people with kids are boring, and conservatives are ignorant, and liberals are going to hell. So. FREAKING. Bored.

And more than that, what it really comes down to is that I’m annoyed with the dialogue that goes on in my own mind day in and day out. Honestly, I’m kind of a douche bag. I’m going to work really hard this year at being less of a jack ass.

Things I'm Learning About Myself

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 14:51:25 -0400

1. I’m way more introverted than I expected.

2. Excuses annoy me.

3. I’m pretty low maintenance.

4. I’m not assertive enough.

5. I still get butterflies when I drive through the Fort Pitt Tunnel. Can’t wait to go back to the ‘Burgh.

I love road trippin’. It’s hard, but I really love hanging with one or two other people and talking for hours and learning about each other and carrying each other’s suitcases.

on the brain

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 14:23:03 -0500

I have been unable to concentrate on anything except going on tour with one of my best friends and heading back to the city in two weekends.

It’s so weird to do this as a married person. You think you can’t, and then you realize you can, and then you start to feel…nervous.

I’m not worried about putting my relationship in jeopardy by traveling with my girlfriends for a week. But it’s more like…is this real? Also, am I really going to miss my husband this much?

The answer is yes. This is real, and I am going to miss Dan a lot. Even though it’s only a week without him and I feel silly. He is actually everything I did not know I wanted.

I don’t care how cheesy that is. I just want to remember it.

Also, I’m going to take a pilgrimage alone to 78th and 2nd when I get to New York and I’m going to remember how everything changed in ways I couldn’t comprehend when I roamed those streets a few years ago.

Go back to your hometown, get your feet on the ground.

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 22:45:39 -0500

I’m going back to NYC in March as part of a nine-day road trip/travel assignment/how did my life get so much awesomer in the matter of 12 hours.

Keeping in touch.

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 22:31:10 -0500

I just had dinner with someone I met when I was 16. I’ve known Luke for one dozen years, and now he has a wife and a baby. So, I brought them a pork roast, and lots of vegetables, and we chatted for a few hours.

For the most part, I’m pretty good at keeping in touch. Obviously, you have to pick and choose who you’re going to spend your time with. But for now, I’m really happy with the list I’ve chosen, and with the list of people who have chosen me.

Everything else goes away. Every job, most of your apartments, your grandparents, even your parents. Chances are, you’re going to outlive most of these things. This is why I keep in touch. This is why you make time.

Current Life Goal List.

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 16:56:42 -0500

1. Create a scholarship fund for rust belt kids. I don’t have enough money to cover somebody’s tuition, but I’d like to aim for $5,000 a year while they are in school. Only rustbelt kids would be eligible. I guess I’ll need to figure out how to save more money. And invest properly.

2. Bug my city councilman until I get sidewalks in my neighborhood. I WILL NOT REST.

3. Be a lot nicer to other drivers on the road.

4. Stop comparing myself to other people and feeling like shit about myself. Stop letting Real Christians and Real Americans make me feel like I’m not worthy. Stop beating myself up over my love handles.

5. Italy. Ireland. India.

6. Another sublease in a major city. SF or CHI. This might have to happen when we are semi-retired. Or by myself.

7. Support Dan’s goals as well as he supports mine.

8. Don’t hold grudges (I get this tendency from the Italians).

Steps backward/Letting the past catch up to you

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 14:15:55 -0500

There’s a difference between taking a huge step backward and looking back on the past and then letting it catch up to you.

Hannah is moving back and I am ecstatic.

I found an old friend’s blog from 2005 yesterday, and I thought fondly of college. I would never, ever go back. Not ever. I do better as an independent adult with a house and real responsibilities and a great job and the ability to say no and set boundaries. But I liked the process of figuring it out.

I like the process of continuing to figure it out. I stay up nights thinking about work and possibilities and feeling excited. I’ve been staying up nights thinking of these things for several years. The difference is that now I’m confident enough to know that the only thing you have is your name. Figuring stuff out means doing what you’re proud of.

Everything you do has your name on it, and sometimes you have to act fiercely to protect it. What I’m saying is, I fired a client yesterday because she wanted me to do something that I wasn’t comfortable with. Two years ago, I would have done what she asked and then I wouldn’t have been proud of my work. This time, I just fired her.

I just record things here that I’d really like to remember.

Nothing good happens after midnight.

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 10:42:58 -0500

We made a monumentally bad decision last night.

After hanging out with friends for a few hours, we headed back to the East side around 12:15 or so. About a mile from our house, we noticed a young girl on the side of the road screaming for help. Her hair was piled up on top of her head and she was wearing pajama pants and a thin long-sleeved t-shirt. She was crying and screaming, and I just couldn’t ignore her.

The older I get, all I can think about in these situations is, “Dear God. This is someone’s daughter.”

So we pulled over and I urged Daniel to let her use our phone. When she came to the car to use it, she was shivering so badly that we told her to get in.

Daniel is really good in situations like this. I think maybe we both are, actually. I attribute it to growing up with sisters in his case. He just takes on a tone of voice that can make anyone believe that everything will be okay. He helped her figure out how to use the phone and she called her mom.

And then shit got real.

She asked us to pull into a different parking lot. Her boyfriend had just beat her up and she knew that, from their house, he could see where we were sitting. We pulled into a restaurant parking lot, and listened to her beg her mom to drive to Nashville from Shelbyville and pick her up. In tears, she told her mom—and us—that she is addicted to heroin. Earlier that day, she and her boyfriend helped the Nashville Police Department set up a sting operation, but it went badly. Their dealer was late and after five hours the cops got fed up. Her boyfriend ended up in jail, and she was late picking him up. She got there during a shift change, so he had to sit in the cell for two hours longer than necessary. He got mad and slammed her to the ground a few times, and she ran out of the house. That’s when we stopped and picked her up.

She told her mom that we are a really nice couple, and I don’t know why, but that made me feel really, really sad. I think because I sensed a note of longing in her voice.

Once we found out about the STING OPERATION and that we were sitting in the car with a HEROIN DEALER, Daniel begged me to get out of the car and walk home. But I couldn’t leave my husband in the car with her, especially when her boyfriend—of whom she is clearly terrified—lives right around the corner.

Her mom calmed her down, and asked her if she had enough money to get out of Nashville. She pulled out $3800 in cash. Mostly hundreds. We asked if we could take her to the bus station or somewhere else, and she said she thought maybe her boyfriend had left the house to go to a friend’s. Probably to get his fix.

We drove her to her street and let her out. We don’t know where she lives and we don’t want to know. We dropped her off in the middle of the road and said good luck. She cried and said thank you. And then we drove home without saying much at all.

I felt really stupid until this morning when I read a Wendell Berry poem.

An excerpt:

So, friends, every day do something
that won’t compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

with a heavy heart.

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 13:57:07 -0500

All I can think about is what the fuck it would be like to buy your elementary school-aged kid all the things on his Christmas list, and sign all the gifts in a fake signature to trick him into believing in Santa Claus for one more year, and then your kid gets murdered by a psychopath at his own God forsaken school.

Pinterest, You Are Drunk is my new favorite website.

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 10:37:28 -0500

pinterestyouaredrunk:

Source: google.com via Christina on Pinterest

If you make your bridesmaids dress as Disney princesses, you probably aren’t ready for marriage.

Keeping me up nights.

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 15:18:36 -0500

“I’ve been homeless off and on for about 17 years. Since about 1995. My mother passed away and she was my only support. My background is pretty deep. Basically, I’ve always known that I was “wrong.” I mean, I’m not wrong, but I felt like I was not supposed to be the way that I was. I was raised by an abusive stepfather who was determined that he was going to have a boy and not a girl. I went through severe physical and sexual abuse—it was just a horror. I got away from that when I was 19 years old and ran away. I was kept a prisoner in my own home. I got away when I was 19, and for quite some time after that, I was trying to hide. I didn’t want anyone to know who I was or what I was. My mother was my only support. When she died, I just kind of lost it emotionally and ended up camping out in the woods for a while and I did my own first stint in jail.

I never could have done this in Mobile, Ala. I truly believe I’d be hanging from a tree if I’d came out in Mobile. I’m 47 years old, and I’ve known since I was about 6 years old that I was born in the wrong body. All my life—the last 41 years have been hell. Living a lie; trying to be someone I’m not and be whatever everyone else has expected me to be. I still have my days when I feel like people are laughing at me. I walk around in fear a lot. That’s what I was telling Raven—at first, I was thinking I’d do the interview, but not a photograph. And then when I got to thinking about it, and I thought, “I can’t keep walking around being afraid that people are gonna see me.”

Also, OMG.

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 17:29:36 -0500

I made a secret pinboard called “Christmas as F***” on Pinterest today, so I can search and save all of the recipes, janky handmade ornaments and gift ideas I can possibly find without the rest of the world knowing exactly how much I. Freaking. Love. Christmas.

convinced

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 11:13:00 -0500

I am quite sure that there is no greater comfort than a space heater, The Avett Brothers, hot coffee and a very full day planner.

Well, except for a good glass of Merlot. But fair enough.

flickering from view

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 13:03:06 -0500

Maybe we found pics of Dan and his ex-wife in an old shoebox and maybe we burned them on election night in our fire pit. You know, the one we built for our wedding. And maybe my best girlfriends were there and it was awesome.

Okay, yes, definitely. All of that happened.

But Bethany said it best: “God bless her and keep her journey far away from you and your sweetest and strongest of men. You win.”

It’s not about winning, though. It’s about communication, dammit. I think saving face and holding things in is stupid. I think talking about things, and saying, “Hey, every once in a while this bothers me, and I’d rather burn these photos than have them in our home” is much better.

I am a very dramatic person, but I felt purged as I watched them go up in flames.

And then we kissed and walked inside holding hands.

a love affair

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 12:42:45 -0400

I have spent a lot of years wondering about other places: Chicago, New York, Pittsburgh, Denver, small towns, beach towns. What it would be like to live and work there, eat in those local restaurants, get to know those church people, listen to their community’s high school band practice on Thursday nights. I’ve spent nights pining for city lights and sunny afternoons dreaming of an ocean view.

I suppose that’s in my nature. I’ve long been someone who looks beyond the horizon and thinks about what I could be doing elsewhere moreso than what I am doing in Nashville.

In the past few months, however, all of that has changed. I’ve been reawakened to the importance of a strong community—to how much we need close friends and a listening ear as we experience major life changes.

I live far away from my Ohio home—and I have for some time now. While I have remained extremely close with my immediate family, I no longer have cousins or Aunts who live nearby. If I did, I would probably spend hours at their kitchen tables, knitting scarves and telling stories.

In order to combat home sickness, I’ve spent years growing closer and closer to a rag-tag community of artists, musicians, servers, attorneys, and office workers. We are all very different, but in the past five years, we have grown as close as—maybe even closer than—a family.

We clean each other’s houses, and turn out for every single CD release show, wedding shower, backyard celebration, and heavy-hearted wine night. When my mom was in the hospital, I returned home to a well-watered garden, a mowed lawn, and one dozen close friends who were dying to buy me dinner and talk about the pain of seeing my mother in the ICU.

I frequently have woken up at 5 a.m., to take someone to the airport before work. I’ve poured two beers into to-go cups and walked the neighborhood with a girlfriend after a bad breakup. I’ve prayed for healing, joy, and contentment in each and every one of their lives.

I don’t think about Chicago or New York as often now. I would take another sabbatical in a heartbeat, but I don’t think I can stray from Nashville for long. I am caught up in a very deep and very real love affair with my community and this city and all that both have to offer.

Sure, I could probably move to New York and work for an awesome magazine and fall completely in love with the city streets. But I think I’d rather piece together a flexible writing and editing career right here, where my family friends all live in a 5-mile radius. I’ll gladly trade in the city lights for the dancing flame of candles and lanterns.

But would it kill us to get a decent oyster bar here?

positively perfect

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 10:33:51 -0400

It was 37 degrees when I let Gibson out this morning. I heated up some coffee, turned on NPR, and started on a to-do list. I have office keys in hand. A bad ass menu for a Scotch and Cigars bachelor party forming in my head. An appointment to train as a Nashville Scooter Tour Guide on my calendar. And a lot of possibilities swirling around in my chest.

weddings and things.

Fri, 21 Sep 2012 11:13:05 -0400

Mate gets into town tonight, and from here until the wedding day, it’s going to be all college roommate stuff. That will include girly things like real talk, ice cream, yoga, bonfires, flower arrangements, dancing it out, lots of coffee, laughing, and baking pies. Then, next Saturday, wedding vows to the Esquire. They are so cheesy, because we wrote them ourselves, and I don’t even care.

SO. EXCITED.

she was right.

Mon, 03 Sep 2012 13:13:59 -0400

My 19-year-old self swore she wouldn’t have a wedding because they are over-the-top and distract from the real purpose of getting married. She was right.

Our small, simple backyard wedding has been hijacked by Pinterest boards we didn’t make or look at or even want. And so much lace. And so many photos of us. And we didn’t want any of it, and now we wish we would have canceled it and gone to Costa Rica in July and gotten married and then just announced it when we returned.

Having a wedding basically just gives your family and friends an avenue through which to criticize all of your personal tastes and ideas. And it sucks.

This one is for Court. Fave Riggins moment of all time. OF ALL...

Mon, 03 Sep 2012 13:08:49 -0400

This one is for Court. Fave Riggins moment of all time. OF ALL TIME.